Self-love has become a phrase we hear often—on mugs, in therapy rooms, across social media. And yet, when it comes time to practice it, many of us feel a shrug or a scoff. A resistance. A little tug that whispers, “Isn’t this selfish?” “What about those around me that I could help?” or even, “What about those that need me?”
For many people—especially caregivers, parents, helpers, etc—self-love can feel indulgent at best and morally wrong at worst. But what if we pushed against that idea, just a little. What if we turned it on it’s head and said Self love isn’t selfish. It’s stewardship and tending to the one life you are responsible for living. And it’s the foundation from which sustainable love for others grows.
Why Self-Love Feels Selfish
Self-love often feels selfish because many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that our worth is tied to what we provide. Think about some of the messages you received as a child, either directly, or indirectly while noticing the unspoken rules your caregivers operated under:
- If love was conditional… you might have learned how to ‘earn’ love.
- If rest was laziness… you might have learned how to value your own productivity, at any cost.
- If your needs were minimized… you might have learned that they were not to be prioritized.
- If you were praised for being “low maintenance”… you might have learned how to minimize your needs to stay in connection with others.
If any (or all of) of these ring true, then it makes sense that caring for yourself can feel unfamiliar. Maybe even dangerous. Your nervous system might interpret self-advocacy as a threat to belonging or connection. But belonging that requires self-erasure is not true belonging.
It is survival.
Compassion for yourself is reason enough. You do not need to justify it by how it benefits others.
And yet, this is where it often gets complicated.
I frequently work with mothers who are drowning in the needs of everyone around them. The compromise that is offered—by partners, therapists, even well-meaning friends—is: “If you care for yourself, you can better care for your child.” Or, “Your wellbeing is intrinsically tied to theirs.”
This isn’t untrue. But it can subtly reinforce the same message many women already carry: your needs matter because they help someone else. Self-care becomes another strategy for productivity. Another way to perform goodness. Another tool to prioritize others while appearing to prioritize yourself.
Sometimes the motivation behind self-care does begin there. You rest because you want to be more patient. You go to therapy because you want to show up better for your family. You set a boundary because you’re exhausted from resentment leaking out sideways. And here’s the honest truth: sometimes the motivation is irrelevant.
If you sleep more, your body still restores.
If you say no, your nervous system still settles.
If you take space, your clarity still returns.
The outcome can be healing, even if the initial reason was external. But at some point, noticing your motivation becomes important.
Are you caring for yourself so you can continue overextending indefinitely?
Are you resting just enough to tolerate what still feels misaligned?
Are you setting boundaries only when resentment is unbearable?
Awareness allows self-love and self-care to evolve from crisis management into self-respect. There is nothing wrong with beginning where you are. If caring for yourself “for them” is the only door that feels open, walk through it. But eventually, you get to ask a deeper question:
What would it look like to care for myself because I matter?
Self-love is not indulgence. It is not abandonment of responsibility. It is not a withdrawal from connection. It is choosing to become the kind of person who is fully present in their own life. When you are well-rested, nourished, emotionally honest, and boundaried, your care for others becomes more grounded, more patient, more generous—and less transactional.
You are no longer giving to secure love.
You are no longer helping to avoid rejection.
You are no longer performing worth.
You are giving because you choose to.
You are no longer drawing from an empty well.
You are tending to the well itself.
And you deserve that care—not because it makes you better for others—but because you are a person who needs and deserves care, too.
The Ripple Effect of Being Well
Imagine two versions of you:
Version One:
Overextended. Saying yes when you mean no. Pushing through exhaustion. Avoiding conflict. Smiling while simmering.
Version Two:
Clear about your capacity. Honest about your limits. Rested enough to listen. Secure enough to tolerate disagreement. Responsive instead of reactive.
Which version loves more freely?
When you are resourced, you:
- Listen without defensiveness.
- Set limits without hostility.
- Offer help without resentment.
- Stay present without dissociating.
Self-love expands your window of tolerance. It stabilizes your nervous system. It allows you to remain yourself even when others are dysregulated.
What Does It Look Like to Be the Best Version of You?
Not the most productive. Not the most agreeable. Not the most impressive.
The best version of you is regulated, aligned, and integrated.
It looks like:
- Making decisions that reflect your values, not your fear.
- Feeling anger without losing yourself in it.
- Resting without apology.
- Being generous without self-abandonment.
- Speaking honestly while staying connected.
- Knowing when something is yours to fix—and when it isn’t.
The best version of you is not perfect. They are congruent. There is a felt sense of internal steadiness. A quiet integrity. A softness toward yourself even when you fall short.
What Do You Need to Provide Yourself?
If self-love is stewardship, then ask:
What does my system need to function well?
Consider these domains:
1. Physical Care
When this feels too overwhelming or unclear where to start, I encourage my clients to start by thinking of themselves as a house plant. Bring it all the way back to the basics. If I had a plant that was withering, what steps would I take to care for it?
- Do I need water?
- Do I need nourishment?
- When is the last time I had sunlight?
- What can I change about my environment?
- Am I getting ample opportunity to rest and restore?
Your body is not a machine. It is the home of your experience.
2. Emotional Boundaries
It’s not uncommon for those of us who overfunction to take on emotional burden for those we love. Reframing our emotional responsibilities using this Garden Analogy, is a helpful way to sort through what is ours to tend, and what belongs to others.
3. Boundaries and Structure
If you learned that your worth and access to connection is tied to minimizing your own needs, being useful, or love is conditional (remember our list above?), setting boundaries can feel like it’s setting your nervous system on fire. It’s going to feel rough. Considering setting some more quiet internal boundaries can feel like a safer place to start, rather than large external boundaries that can feel like a threat.
Some examples are:
- Not answering a call, and returning a call at a later time
- Pausing before you say yes
- Setting internal time limits for yourself, I will work on this for xx minutes/hours
Learn more about setting boundaries when it feels hard to say no here.
4. Self-Compassion
This is going to feel hard. And likely overwhelming at times. You’re going to feel that judgmental voice get loud. Here are some ways that you can practice giving yourself compassion on your journey to self love:
- Speaking to yourself as you would to someone you love
- Replacing “What’s wrong with me?” with “What happened to me?”
- Allowing imperfection without collapse
- Moving at your pace, however small the steps you need
5. Joy and Expansion
Remember to notice new space that is created. Lean into new feelings and nurture them with:
- Creative expression
- Play
- Connection that energizes
- Curiosity and wonder
You are not meant to only endure life. You are meant to experience it.
A Reframe: Self-Love as Responsibility
Self-love is not about choosing yourself over others. It is about not abandoning yourself in the presence of others. It is about refusing to outsource your worth. It is about tending your own garden so that what you offer the world is rooted and alive—not brittle and overharvested.
Yes, when you begin to practice boundaries and self-care, some relationships may shift. People accustomed to unlimited access may protest.
But healthy relationships adjust.
They deepen.
They respect clarity.
And the relationships that cannot survive your wholeness were dependent on your depletion.
Explore more articles about boundaries here:
- Why It Feels So Hard to Say No: Understanding Boundaries as a People Pleaser
- Boundaries: Where to Begin When it All Feels Complicated
- Treat yourself like a House Plant: 5 Things You Can Do When You Feel So Stuck You Don’t Know What to Do
- Boundaries: Giving your Garden the Care it Needs to Emotionally Thrive
